“So, since...Rosemary? Was it Rosemary?”
“What’s she got to do with this?”
“No, nothing. Just since her, no serious women?”
“No...no, not really.”
“Wow.”
“Why are you always saying ‘wow’, kid? It makes you seem dumber than you are.”
“Oh, sorry. I mean...I find that hard to believe.”
“Why? I’ve never wanted to be committed.”
“Not to anyone? Not ever?”
“No. I get committed, goodbye freedom. Why would I want that?”
She looked away and I went back to eating my dinner. Then when I thought the conversation was over, she got back to talking.
“I was at Starbucks this one time, this reminds me of that. You know how Starbucks has those quote things on the back of their cups? Well, there was this one quote, and it went like....it went something like, ‘the irony - ’ irony... is that right?”
“Could be. I don’t know what you’re talking about yet.”
“Oh...okay, well, I think it’s irony... anyway, ‘the irony of commitment is that it’s ultimately freeing.”
I laughed real hard at that one. “That would be ironic, yes.”
“Don’t laugh, this is good! Just listen, okay?”
I nodded my head. I always did listen to her, more than I did other people. Don’t know why.
“It said like, ‘when you commit to something, it frees you of the doubts in your head’ and that, ‘all the doubts you have in your head are just your own critics that think you aren’t strong enough to be committed, so they shoot you in the foot by not letting you try in the first place. And commitment frees you of that, so it’s freeing...in the end.’ I don’t know, something like that. That always stuck with me. I think it’s true, maybe.”
When she gave me that spiel, she looked real hopeful. But it was this terrifying hope around her eyes. Really, it scared me. I hadn’t seen that kind of hope from anyone in so long that it really rattled me. I had to set her straight.
“You know why you only see shit like that written on Starbucks cups?”
“No, why?”
“Because the only people stupid enough to believe that bullshit are the same idiots who are willing to pay five dollars for a Goddamn coffee.”
She laughed real hard at that. But when she laughed it was a sad laugh. She looked like she’d been woken up from a dream.
“Yeah, yeah. You’re probably right.”
“I am right.”
“Yeah, you are.”
“That settles it.”
She smiled at me, with this sad smile. I wondered then if maybe she wanted to stay dreaming.
“So you want to get the cheque, kid?” I asked her.
“Sure,” she said. “Sure.”
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