comedy and drama

I am never really insane except upon occasions when my heart is touched.

...

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll start crying. I can't stop. Everything inside comes undone, gets born, learns to die. Out of nowhere, these genuine feelings will rush to the surface and I don't recognize them. I have wondered if I'm a vessel, if other people had these feelings and didn't want them.

Even if their owner's had no room left, they existed and needed to find home.

It’s not one thing. When is anything ever one thing? Sometimes, I’ll start crying about everything sad that’s ever happened to anyone in the world. I’ll think, why’d my sister’s husband have to die? Why’d Mike have such a hard childhood? Why do you always remember what you want to forget and forget what you want to remember?

Or I’ll cry about nothing at all, because I miss my sister even though I saw her last week, because my Dad’s face looks older than it used to, because time's passing too quickly.

Or everything marvelous, beautiful, glittering, ecstatic.

I’m grabbing at these unspeakable things, these concepts, these waves of thought that stretch forever and farther.

I wonder if I prefer to have a broken heart.

If I’m lucky, for one small second, I can see the order of everything. It’s like I’m standing on a building, on top of the world, taller than anything I’ve ever known. I can see my Mom, the size of a pea in Paris, dancing around the streets and I think everything that’s sent here there was meant to be. That the cruelty had purpose. I can see the invisible red string that connects us all. No matter how it’s tangled and stretched it is never broken. It’s only a second though, a flash, a glimpse, a secret. I'm jumping off docks.

So, sometimes I’ll cry.

When I stop I fall asleep quickly without noticing.

It's over as quickly as it's begun and I wake up like it never happened.

My heart has left and I'm just going in tandem.